It has been one year since my last newsletter. And it has been one year riddled with life-changing, actually shattering events.
On December 6, 2023, Joe Fernandez, my beloved husband, best friend and soulmate passed away unexpectedly. Those who had the great fortune of knowing him found him amazing in so many regards. He was brilliant, kind, and strong, able to overcome any adversity. For the past few years, he dealt with a fluke fall prompting brain surgery, another accidental fall causing a hip fracture, and the double-dose of anesthesia due to the surgeries accentuated the beginning traces of dementia. Each event took its toll. Then last December, Joe fell and fractured his hip again requiring bedrest for an indefinite time. All the signs pointed to the realization that this was the beginning to an end. Within days he died.
Throughout the years, I often wondered whether it were possible for a person to will themself to die. Pondering the question further, I discovered that there actually is a condition known as psychogenic death. The clinical definition is a condition where a person’s mental state becomes so overwhelmed by trauma, stress, or hopelessness that they lose the will to live…where the person’s physical health rapidly deteriorates, and death becomes inevitable.
I wondered whether Joe had such ability because in addition to his attributes, he was an incredibly independent and proud man. And before the accidental fall three years ago, he was amazingly healthy. However, as his health deteriorated, he detested the care he required from others. As he became less mobile, he detested the care he required from me. Daily he would rebuke my efforts. My retort was always, “If the roles were reversed you would do the same. Now quit complaining.” I offered a wink to lighten his mood. Always, he smiled back and said, “I love you.” But the trademark twinkle in his eyes shined with less sparkle. It hurt terribly, knowing what this dignified man had to endure. In my heart I know the answer to the question I pondered.
Grief is like living two lives, one is where you pretend that everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain. This quote has no attribution, but speaks to my existence for the past six months. While I’ve managed to busy myself by finishing the remodel of our home, planning Joe’s Celebration of Life, and managing a plethora of activities with legal and financial implications…it has not been without those silent screams. While I miss him terribly, I hate all that he will miss; our home we planned together, a book we collaborated on together, a movie we were making together. But in my time of grief, I realized that the best way to honor Joe’s memory is to finish what the two of us started.
I mentioned in my last newsletter that The Infiltrator’s Shadow is ninety-five percent finished and that it will need a bit of tweaking due to the every-changing geo-political landscape. While it is still sitting on the proverbial shelf, I need to switch gears and start writing again. The one thing I will need to change… is the dedication.
Climatized, the movie, has a director! Sean McNamara, who just finished his film Reagan, starring Dennis Quaid and Jon Voight, also worked with my Producer, Stuart Pollok, on Soul Surfer, among others. Noam Dromi and Evan Greene, my screenwriters, have finished an amazing script. So as Hollywood continues to slog along, I’m confident this film will be made. I know my team will pull out all the stops to make Joe’s dream come true.
To do the useful thing,
To say the courageous thing,
To contemplate the beautiful thing: That is enough for one man’s life.
T.S. Eliot
April 6, 1928 – December 6, 2023
May He Rest In Peace
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